Caretaking - An Honor and A Burden
Caretaking...
Such a simple word, with so many meanings…and evoking so many emotions.
When I became romantically involved with someone 16 years older than me at 63, I still felt young and he certainly acted like he was. I have often told my friends that he could run circles around me when they questioned the age difference, even though I learned he had chronic kidney disease and swore he would never accept dialysis as a way of life.
We had much in common, shared dreams of traveling the world when I retired, and felt lucky to have found each other. He occasionally suggested marriage. I had determined after my divorce 13 years prior that was not a contract I would ever enter again. The first couple of years were wonderful. I worked long hours during the week in the city and escaped on weekends to his home in the country. I envisioned that would be our game plan even after retirement.
But then came a broken hip. And then a stroke that took his left side vision and his ability to drive. Next was a diagnosis of heart problems, emergency rooms and hospital visits. All the while, making sure his one kidney kept functioning.
And then came Covid. Fortunately, I had retired in January before it hit in March. For a variety of reasons, Covid precipitated a decision to live together in an effort to minimize the possibility of him catching Covid would have surely been his demise.
And now here we are…still living together and enjoying each other’s wit and wisdom. But I am watching chronic kidney failure and chronic heart failure take its toll. It is not what I expected nor would have signed up for had I known. My life is primarily being spent in doctors and home care schedules, while caring for a home and yard that is much too big. His three adult children who all live hours away only come when we can schedule them and call occasionally.
Friends tell me I can walk away without having any guilt. He asks me from time to time why I stay. And my only answer is that I would like to believe he would do the same for me.
Nina Webster, MSW
Additional reading:
The economic cost of caregiving
https://www.urban.org/urban-wire/unpaid-family-care-continues-suppress-womens-earnings
The range of emotions that come with caregiving
https://www.caregiver.org/resource/emotional-side-caregiving/
Short breaks for unpaid caregivers (UK only)
Short breaks for unpaid caregivers (US only)
https://archrespite.org/caregiver-resources/respitelocator/#Resources
Resource listings for caregivers in Canada
https://canadiancaregiving.org/resources/caregiver-resources/
Resource listings for caregivers in Ireland
https://www.familycarers.ie/carer-supports/