Failure and self doubt

My mom suffered from crippling low self-esteem. For years, I thought she preferred restaurant booths because they were more comfortable, but I later realised it was because she didn’t want people to see her “fat ass”.  My mother was beautiful — light blue Elizabeth Taylor eyes, thick brunette hair, and a shapely figure. Yet she couldn’t see any of it.  It was only when Alzheimer's stole her memory that she released her grip on self-doubt and gave up caring how she looked. She asked me once, “Where did you get your self-confidence? Maybe I absorbed all hers,  I don’t know.

Even someone with a healthy sense of self-worth can be ambushed by doubt. Today, I’m questioning my ability to write stories worthy of The Crone Network. I have three finished pieces sitting on my desk, but I’m afraid to release them. What if they’re boring? What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail — again?

So I’m writing this story about self-doubt hoping it helps me understand why it has such a hold on me today and maybe, just maybe, it helps someone else loosen its hold too.

It zooms in on mistakes

People describe me as kind, generous, and friendly, but that’s not enough to drag me from the depths of not believing in myself.  The self-doubt remains. I built a successful career and became a “boss lady”, but some of my ideas were a flop and lost money.  It was embarrassing and self-doubt moved into my thinking and completely forgot that I wasn’t the only one responsible.  That’s what self-doubt does. It zooms in on my mistakes and ignores successes until I start believing I’m not capable.

For a long time, I saw those moments as proof I wasn’t good enough.  But now that I’m a Crone, I recognise the resilience, courage, and the refusal to quit I displayed. Each failure could have been the end, but I survived them all and maybe those are the small victories I need to remember so self-doubt doesn’t stop me from believing in myself.

So where does this leave me now?  What have I learned about this critic that lives rent-free in my head?  First, I need to understand what’s real. My fear of writing for The Crone Network isn’t about talent — it’s about exposure. What if no one cares? What if I offend someone? What if I’m not “hip” enough or “educated” enough? Every “what if” piles on another brick of insecurity until I’m trapped inside my own mind and accomplishing nothing.

When I feel my confidence slipping, I’ve learned to step away, breathe, and remind myself of the truth: I’ve already done hard things. I’ve overcome worse than a fear of being rejected or the blinking cursor on my computer screen.  Even small steps forward count toward the end goal. For instance, I already have a library of subjects neatly organised in an Excel spreadsheet of things to talk about.  Another step forward was hiring someone to manage social media and yet another step forward was remembering that I excelled at English and journalism in school. See! Just typing this paragraph has given my self-confidence a nudge in the right direction.

The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.― Sylvia Plath

Self-doubt will always whisper in my ear, but I don’t have to listen. I’ve failed, I’ve succeeded, and I’ll do both again. What matters is that I keep showing up, keep writing, keep trying. Self-confidence grows every time I push past fear and take the risk anyway. So today, self-doubt can kiss my fat ass.  My confidence is back and now this story is ready for publication.