LOVING MY BODY WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT 

LOVING MY BODY WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT 
 
There’s a baby photo of me sitting on the floor with a ball, and you can see that I was well fed as my cheeks were chubby, and my tummy is sticking out. In those days, we wore thick cloth diapers, safety pins, and crinkly plastic undies that went over the diaper, so I can understand why my ass would be huge at such a young age. But when I look at these old photos and see what a porky toddler I was, I wonder if I ever had a chance to be an average sized person. Maybe I’m just meant to be this size. 
 
SOMEONE TO LOVE ME 
I spent decades trying to figure out why I didn’t care enough about myself to take better care of my body, and I kept waiting for someone to love me enough to want to help me lose weight. Now in my Cronehood, I understand that I’m the only one that loves me enough to help myself. Expecting it from other people will just lead to disappointment anyway. This is the body I have today, so either I work with what I got or give up the fight and accept that I will become disabled due to obesity.  
 
When I woke up on March 24th, 2023, I knew something was different the minute my feet hit the floor.  I was so profoundly different that later in the day, I posted in my favourite Facebook group that I woke up feeling strange and half-jokingly asked if there was a planetary shift or something.  Much to my surprise, I learned that Pluto had moved into Aquarius (my sign) on the 23rd which meant major changes in my life. It was only a few days later that I signed up for the “6-week body transformation” program at our local women’s gym. 
 
Being a very large woman, I was terrified to walk into a gym. Initiation included getting weighed and measured in front of other women, but I wrapped myself in thoughts of “you’re here for you and it’s none of your business what they think” and took a deep breath to step onto the stage. The gym owner jotted down my numbers, taught to calculate our daily calories, and she showed us how to use each piece of the equipment. During the week I’d book 2-3 classes then workout on Sunday mornings with the machines. Over the next 6-weeks, I lost 1.4st (20 lbs) and 12cm (abt. 5”) of fat.  
 
All those sexy endorphins 
Feeling disappointed with my weight loss, a trainer reminded me that muscle weights more than fat, so weight loss isn’t the best indicator of success, and that losing 12cm was amazing work. For 2 years, I was taking 2-3 classes a week plus a Sunday morning on the gym equipment. It is hard but I enjoy it. I guess all those sexy endorphins help me feel good about myself. Not only am I making my body stronger and warding off immobility, my mental and emotional health is greatly improved too. And all those bullshit voices in my head that say, “they’ll laugh at you” or “you can’t do that”, I just tell it to “shut the fuck up” because I’m much more capable than my lying mind wants me to believe.  
 
 
“One day I decided that I was beautiful and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl.”  
Gabourey Sidibe 
 

Most of the articles I find on improving the health of older women talk about “strength or resistance training” because we need stronger muscles as we age to help us do everyday things like climbing stairs, getting out of a chair, and carrying groceries. And though we can expect to lose some muscle mass, a “use it or lose it” attitude is a great way to improve my physical strength. 
 
A CAN OF PEAS 
 
Training is fun and I don’t need to spend money on equipment or the gym. I can use my own body weight to start. Doing squats, lunges, push-ups, all sorts of “movement” can be done without cutting into your budget. Working my arms was easy with a can of peas in each hand, and as I got better, I filled a couple of empty milk containers with water and used them as weights.  Lunges are great for my legs and butt, but they’re challenging for me, so I hold onto a sturdy chair or the wall, and I feel safe enough to do them without concern.    
 
I enjoy boxing the most because punching the shit out of a bag makes me feel powerful and invigorated, plus it’s a full body workout that builds mental focus and physical stamina. When I first started this class, I had to sit down several times because I couldn’t catch my breath, but the more I pushed myself, the easier and more enjoyable it was. I even started kick boxing. Me! The girl who failed high school gym class!   
  

 
Studies prove that movement can greatly improve overall wellbeing, but there can be obstacles that stop us before we even get started. Obesity stopped me from going to the grocery store because it hurt too much to carry my own weight, and there are loads of other conditions that might prevent us from physical activity.   
 
You Tube is a great source for all sorts of movement for all kinds of people. There’s chair yoga, or tai chi that is slow and rhythmic and easy on the joints. Sitting down and standing up work my legs and my core. I love music, so I put on the headphones and dance around my house. I started with the length of one song, then challenged myself to dance for 2 songs without stopping. It wasn’t long before I was dancing around the house for 30 minutes (sometimes naked). I can even dust while I dance. Is that exercise? No, it’s movement. My body needs to move. Our bodies are designed to move, that’s why our joints bend. 
 
I tried running a few times. It’s something I’d love to do, but on those courageous occasions when I tried to jog down my street, my belly fat slapped against my thigh fat and made a horrific, embarrassing noise. I knew that running wasn’t for me. But every kind of movement is good movement, so cleaning, walking the dog, raking the leaves, it’s all good movement. Queen Elizabeth took great pleasure in walking, and she credited that movement as one of the reasons for her long life. 
 
During those dark days of not being able to carry my own weight, I challenged myself to walk to the post box a ½ block from my house.  I did that every day for a week. The next week I challenged myself to walk to the church 2 blocks away, it had a lovely low wall where I could sit and rest.  Lots of times I would cry from the pain, and sometimes from the shame of being so big, but I kept going and promised that I wouldn’t stop unless I fell.   I didn’t fall and was soon walking 3 miles, 5 times a week.  
There’s something about the word “exercise” that puts me off, so I decided to use the word “movement” instead because it sounds nicer.  Our bodies are designed to move, that’s why our joints bend. But not every body moves easily. 
 

  
I’m still a big woman, but now I appreciate this tired old body more than ever and I’m doing what I can to help her keep moving. For me, it’s the gym 2-3 times a week, but if I couldn’t afford membership, I know there are tons of other ways to move and free training videos on the internet.  
 
I’ll be 70 in a couple of years, and it’s been too many decades since I loved my body. I accept that my legs will never be long and shapely, but they have supported me forever. My tits will never be perky like they were in the 70’s, but then, I don’t plan on having as much sex either. My belly will always spill onto my lap, but at least I don’t teeter totter when I lay on my stomach. My thigh gap closed in the 1980’s and my ass will always have cellulite, some pockets deep enough to hold a cocktail. But my feet will always be heroes. 
 
There’s not much I like about my body, but I’m going to love it whether I like it or not.