Lowering my expectations
Before I moved to Scotland from New Jersey, I joined a couple Facebook groups of American women living in the UK and groups of people who were applying for UK Visa's. It was helpful to read their experiences and learn the process of moving to a new country, and it gave me insight into life as an American living here.
There were lots of posts about schools (many are on work or education visas), and there were a few posts about calling cookies “biscuits” and how hard it is to find Mexican food. When they started talking about searching for American-type dill pickles, I jumped right into the conversation, I mean, my grandfather used to call me “pickle puss” because I enjoyed them so much. But there were other discussions that caused me to worry a bit, and that was the struggle for some women to develop friendships.
I was worried
Reading those posts had me worried that l'd be here, alone with my husband, without girlfriends to bitch and complain about him, or talk about sleepless nights, pain in the ass family, or sexy romance novels. I kept my expectations low and held faith that I was a people person and surely, somebody will like me. Surely......
Six years later, I’m sitting in the comfy Cosy that my husband had built for me, enjoying a glass of Montepulciano de A’Bruzzo and thinking about the abundance of friends I have made here in Scotland. The experiences of those other American women were not my experiences at all, but I’m happy that I kept my expectations low because in my view, they usually end up with pain and disappointment.
Expectation comes in all shapes and sizes. There’s the expectation that my dinner guests will show up on time. We agreed on a time and date so it’s reasonable to believe they would be here when the chicken comes out of the oven. Of course, even the most honourable intentions can go astray, so if my dinner guests message me to say they’re running late due to road construction, my disappointment turns to understanding and my expectations are met without further concern.
Sam and I have everything we want and need (so grateful), but when he didn't buy me a birthday present, I got the feeling that I’m not important enough for him to go out of his way. But I know that's not true because he shows me in many other ways how much he treasures me.
Expecting a relative to send me a “Happy Birthday, Di. Love, your relative,” email is one thing, but expecting them to ask about my life in Scotland is another, especially when they have already demonstrated a complete lack of interest. If the shoe were on the other foot and they moved to a different country, I would ask about their life. But is it fair to expect them to do the same?
Expecting too much
In my humble view, expectations are based on 2 different scenarios. First, if you say you're going to do something I will expect you to do it, to keep your word. That's an easy expectation to have, for someone to actually do what they say.
The 2nd type of expectation is more complicated, and I recently came to realise that expecting people to be like me is a form of judgement.
A perfect example of this was how we approached a loved one when Alzheimer's really started to affect their wellbeing. I took it upon myself to call them everyday because I could tell they were scared and bored and helpless, but when I wasn’t able to phone, I begged my family to call in my place, just to keep our loved one occupied for a few minutes.
They never stepped up in the way I had expected. I was crushed with guilt and pain for my loved one who needed their support with just making a phone call, but it's been some years now and I've come to understand that my thinking was flawed. Just because I would do it doesn't mean they would, and that's perfectly ok. I no longer feel the need to compare myself to them or vice versa, which by osmosis, seemed to lower my expectations of them.
“Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them.”– Harriet Morgan
Understanding how expectations work has helped me navigate emotions of disregard and other bad juju that comes with feeling let down. It’s given me a greater appreciation of the differences between individuals too. My husband is one of the kindest, most generous people I know, but he has demonstrated a lack of interest in buying me gifts. Okay. So now my choices are to get upset or to change the way I react to his lack of effort. I'd rather not let it bother me.
When I consider all the facts in our marriage, not buying a gift isn't a big deal. I can easily buy myself anything, anytime, so that's what I do. Instead of feeling hurt and expecting my love to change his unimaginative behaviour, I made the choice to release my grip on gift-buying expectations. Sometimes people aren't gift buyers... so what? He makes up for it by dressing in black and doing the paso doble' in the living room. He's so sexy with the black accentuating his thick, grey beard, and seeing him dance so joyfully makes me giggle. And that makes him happy and I'm good with that. Plus, I bought myself some thick wool socks last year for the holidays and they are perfect!
Another consideration of expectations is the worry factor. I was invited to a BBQ to honour an elderly family member, but the hostess and I stopped talking to each other years ago over some misunderstanding. She was quite aggressive at the time so my expectations were high that there would be another conflict. My worrying almost made me stay home, but I went to the BBQ and it was wonderful. She and I renewed our relationship and we’ve been great ever since. Worrying about something rarely lives up to the negative hype that expectations deliver.
What I've learned about expectations is that we're all unique individuals so it's not fair to judge people by the standards I set for myself. By expecting very little, I've significantly reduced the levels and frequency of feeling disapointed, and my stress and worry are massively reduced.
I’m going to keep my expectations and judgements lowered, and I'm going to increase my appreciation of others and their individual uniqueness. I hope others will offer me the same kindness, but I'm not going to expect it.