Struggle and surrender
In 2017 I lost a job that I loved. One that supported me for nearly 40 years. A job I didn’t want to leave, but I had to leave because I had been victimised by a narcissist for decades and one day I lost my shit so badly that my doctor put me on disability for 3 months. Sadly, I had to choose my own health over my beloved job and that was that.
In the days that followed, I had nothing to do except putter around the house working on projects to keep myself busy. I looked for work, but there were few options for a 60-year-old nearing retirement. There was only so much cleaning I could do and soon, I found myself lost and depressed, wondering what it was I should be doing with my life. I was crying all the time and not sleeping, constantly thinking about all the things that come with losing a major income.
Sometimes, when I’m confused, at a crossroads, or feeling stuck and needing guidance, I use my old set of I Ching cards called The Little Book That Tells the Truth (Richard Gill 1993). If you aren’t familiar with I Ching, it’s an ancient Chinese oracle or means of divination or fortune telling. It may sound silly, but there are times when I cast a reading, and the results are like a “smack upside the head” with stone-cold accuracy.
It was dangerous for me
Every reading since the 1990’s is recorded in a journal, and on this particularly dismal day in 2017, I wrote about my job and wanting to ask for the severance pay to which I was entitled. I knew that dealing with my old boss was dangerous for me, so I was reluctant to approach the subject but needed, and earned, that money.
The result of my reading told me to stop struggling, and that I should surrender to the situation. It was time for calm and quiet. It took this little book, a trusted confidant, to show me that I was struggling to control the uncontrollable. Trying to control the outcome of me leaving the job was making me miserable with burden and despair. There were no answers.
It was now time for me to surrender and give up fighting the stream of energy that was carrying me through this life. I needed to learn how to relax and have faith that everything was going to be ok. It was now time to trust and just “let it be”.
Let it be
I made the choice to “let it be” and was ready to accept whatever was coming my way. When I started to surrender, it was like opening a set of heavy, dusty drapes to let the sunshine in, then throwing open the windows to let the cool breeze blow through the room. I felt like I could breathe deep again, with clean, invigorating fresh air. A sense of peace washed over me, and I noticed the tension in my shoulders softened and relaxed.
The more I started to let it be and address the moment in which I was living instead of imagining what “might” be, the more relaxed and at peace I became. I also found that acknowledging my fears was better than ignoring them, so instead of pushing them away, I locked them in a box to take out when their time of concern arises. I work at not worrying prematurely.
Tough conversations can be a struggle for me so I usually start with something like, “Can we talk? I’ve been struggling to have this conversation with you. Please listen and respond when I’m done, is that ok?” At some point in the conversation though, I might see that it’s a no-win situation and the best thing for me is to say, “OK. You win. It’s all good” and then I need to just let it be. My mental and emotional health are far more important than being right.
Accept how things are
In a 2024 article called The Benefits of Surrender, Drs Huntington and Davis suggest that surrendering “might look like recognizing that the will of the universe and your own will do not align and that it will be easier to accept how things are unfolding than to continue trying to change them.” (Psychology Today, 07 November 2024)
To put this idea to practice, let’s say I have a good friend who is always late for lunch which pisses me off. There’s not much point of getting upset because I already know she’s going to be late, so isn’t it better for me to surrender and accept that my lovely pal will probably be late to her own funeral? Of course, I could confront her, but I adore my friend and considering the possible outcomes of the conversation, I think accepting her annoying quirk is the better option.
It takes courage to surrender because I can feel defenceless and exposed, but it also requires strength and determination, and a willingness to just “let it be”. If my husband and I have a disagreement, I will usually be the first to wave the “white flag”. For my own wellbeing, surrendering the argument is my best option. My peace of mind is more important than my pride. Some people need to be right and I’m not one of them.
Peace of mind is more important
Letting go isn’t giving up, it’s taking control of myself and how I react to things. I have used the saying, “Let go, let God”, in the past and it helps me loosen the grip of worry that stops me from embracing life. And it works for any spiritual path you have or have not chosen.
In the case of my good friend who’s always late, surrendering might be like this. “I love you so much, but you need to know that your constant lateness and disregard for my time is rude and annoying. I accept this about you and I’m moving on, but you need to know how I feel.” My surrender has now controlled the entire situation. She knows it’s unacceptable behaviour but that I’m willing to overlook it because I love her (and, she knows all my secrets!!!)
I practice surrendering by telling myself, “Di, it’s going to be ok. It’s nothing you can’t handle.” And sometimes I’ll mouth the words, “It’s never as bad as you imagine.” At bedtime, I give thanks and ask that “the signs be clearly shown to me” so I can follow where they lead, but I no longer feel the need to control everything in my life because I have faith that I will be guided to my destination.
Another way to look at surrendering is on a more basic level. Let’s say I want to challenge myself at the gym and add another 10kg to my barbell. I’m going to struggle to push those weights above my head and at some point, I’ll need to surrender and stop lifting, but pushing my boundaries within reasonable limits is a sign of personal growth, whether at the gym or in a personal conversation. The struggle is real but the surrender is sweet.
Surrender is a journey from outer turmoil to inner peace.
— SRI CHINMOY
Life is never a straight line. It’s rarely what I expect and there are always curve balls like leaking roofs and vet bills, insurance payments and flat tires. Recognising that I was fighting a fate over which I had no control was a waste of my precious juju, and it damaged the way I felt about myself and the world around me. I learned that my struggles demonstrate will and determination, and that my surrendering shows bravery and faith in myself and my destiny.
These days, it’s just best for me to let it be and stop struggling.
What’s fer ya will nae go by ya.
An old Scottish saying
Note – there are many types of struggles. Some people struggle to put food on the table whilst others struggle as they watch a loved one wither away. This post makes no attempt to compare the struggles of a privileged white woman to those less fortunate than myself. It’s just an example of how I dealt with and continue dealing with difficult situations.
1- Psycohology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202312/the-benefits-of-surrender